Last night I cried pretty hard before falling asleep. It's been getting easier for me to get through longer periods of time without crying. When I do cry I feel a tiny bit better, like I'm letting it out. Last night, I cried because I miss Dolce and because it seemed so unfair that I was given the most amazing gift (Dolce) and loved him so intensely and then lost him, all within a year and a half. I was (and I still am) mad because it feels like I was gypped. I gave all that I had, and then lost him. I am aware how selfish I sound. It is obviously the grief talking, which I have come to realize is the most selfish emotion I've ever experienced. I also cried because of how angry I am at the person or persons that had Dolce before me. They had no idea what an amazing little guy they had and instead wasted time, abused Dolce and neglected him, which all lead to my time with him being greatly shortened. The short of the long is that I hurt and it is unfair. I always felt our time would be short, so on some level his passing comes as no surprise, but accepting that the time we were given was sufficient or accepting that he is gone is not something I am capable of yet.
Back to setting the scene...
I had trouble sleeping last night. I woke up several times throughout the night, but each time eventually fell back asleep. Finally at 6am I thought I may as well try to fully wakeup, but I didn't have the energy or heart to get out of bed. Mornings have been hard for me since Dolce passed. My morning was always filled with Dolce. Getting up each morning has been hard, because my purpose each morning is no longer there. For about 25 minutes I kept shifting and turning, rearranging my limbs until I found a favorable sleeping position and I fell back asleep. The strange thing is that for me, I rarely fall asleep and dream after being as awake as I had been.
On to the dream...
In my dream I was in bed, probably just about in the same position I was in while I was sleeping. I was laying in my bed thinking about Dolce and how much I missed him when I felt a small dog walking on my comforter and resting on my chest. In my dream I recognized the pressure and thought that perhaps it was Dolce visiting me again. I should also point out that last Friday after another late-night cryfest I woke up to what felt like one of my dogs walking across the bed. I looked over and saw both Rico and Chico asleep and I felt Brownie near my feet. None of them had been walking across the bed. Of course it was the middle of the night and I was not fully awake, so there is the chance that I made the whole thing up or it could have been a dream, which is why I didn't really share it with anyone. In fact it took me a few days before I shared the story with Brett. So in the dream I slowly placed my hand on my chest and immediately felt Dolce's fur. I should point out that I am a habitual under the covers sleeper, (there is no other way for me) when combined with my thick down comforter it would be very easy for me to sleep and not see which dog or if any dog was on top of my chest. Just wanted to clarify. Once I felt his fur I began petting him, stroking his fur like I always did and rubbing his little chest. Eventually I pulled my down comforter out of the way and I saw that Dolce was really there, in real physical form. I was so happy. I think I even cried. I told him how much I missed him and love him. This is where the dream is beginning to fade. Eventually the dream began to morph into something else, but Dolce was in it, with me until I woke up. The most amazing part of the whole experience is the fact that within my dream I was aware of Dolce's passing and the emotions I have been feeling were within my dream. It was like my conscious-self was given the opportunity to spend time with Dolce in the dream-world, my subconscious.
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