7/17/10 Today is the first day I am coming back to work. I've tried on two other occasions and was unable to last more than an hour without completely falling apart. I can't believe that Dolce passed away a week ago today. I can't believe time has moved so quickly. Sorry for the inset thought there...just had to get it out. I got to work and found a card on my desk signed by many of my coworkers saying how sorry they are for my loss. It was a nice gesture, it made me tear up, but it also hit a sore spot for me. It really hurts me when people belittle my feelings because I am grieving over Dolce or don't understand why me grief is so intense. I guess the person that wrote the specific note that I'm thinking of didn't know my story with Dolce, so how can I expect them to understand. But word to the wise, if you ever encounter a person that has lost a pet and is taking the loss hard, please never tell them to go out and find another dog to love. Or that you and that new dog will have a love bond stronger than the former. The point is that in these situations it feels like most people do not understand. Probably because they have not gone through it.
A lot of times when I am going through a difficult time or I am experiencing a challenge I remind myself that the best things in life never come easy. How often do we achieve something or finally get something without really being challenged and working for it. Would it be as good if we had not struggled and fought? The point I am making is that life seems to be filled with challenges and sacrifices. We're never able to have it all. I wonder if there is a universal rule we're unaware of, something that states we can have pure beauty and perfection and pure love, but there will be cost. If your think about it, it seems plausible. Like the love of an animal, I believe it to be one of the cleanest and purest form of love, but unfortunately it comes with a sacrifice. We can experience this love, but we must be willing to accept that it will not be forever. It will not last a lifetime, and it will never feel like the time was enough. For mothers with children (of the two-legged persuasion) I hear them talk about how fast time goes by, and how they hate seeing their baby growing up. They want to hold on to those moments. They are given the purest, cleanest form of love, but they cannot have it forever. Eventually the child grows up, and although there is still love, it is not as it once was, when there was all encompassing love and complete acceptance. That is the incredible beauty in animals. They accept you just as you are.
So often throughout our lives we are told we are not enough. We walk around feeling inadequate, not feeling comfortable in our skin, or feeling like we need to become a better or accepted version of ourselves. We put on makeup, we try to drop the pounds or maintain a specific weight, we want to appear as something more desirable...and all the while our animals accept us with no hesitation, just as we truly are. So why am I expected to keep it together or to grieve less when I lose a true friend that loved me through the good, the bad, the not so pretty and the not so socially acceptable times? For me, my dogs provide me with a sense of purpose and self-worth that I was incapable of having without them in my life. I believe this self-worth and purpose is similar, if not identical to how a mother feels. I understand that I have self-worth so its not based solely on my dogs, but they reflect back to me that I am enough, and most importantly my love is enough. My animals have helped me become whole again. They aided me in tearing down and taking way the power of the the terrible negative voices in my head. What I have learned from my dogs, and especially Dolce is that I am perfect in my imperfections. I was able to love him, to accept him, to overlook his hardened soul, his soiled matted fur, his injuries, his overworked little heart. I was able to mirror back to him what animals have always done for me. Through my dogs I have learned that I am enough. And through learning that I was enough Dolce finally learned he was not just enough, he was perfect as he was.
I believe animals are placed on Earth to both learn lessons themselves and teach lessons to us simple-minded humans. And yet it seems so cruel that we are given such amazing gifts embedded with a guarantee of eventual loss. Maybe the point is that eventually the lessons will be learned and the reason for the connection will no longer be necessary. That sentence sounds cruel, cold and callus. For me, I feel like Dolce was necessary to me. I needed him. I need him now. However, in all honesty, he taught me so much, he opened my heart in a way that I didn't know I was capable. I learned my lessons. I am a better person because of him. I can imagine that for Dolce our relationship was no longer necessary. I believe he knew it. He knew it was time to move on. He recognized that our relationship was divided into 3 periods: 1) trying to get him healthy, 2) loving him and teaching him to love, 3) and finally enjoying life together, loving each other and being happy. For me, I know in my brain that I do not need Dolce, but in my heart all I feel is that I need him.
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